When not working the day job or designing t-shirts, I like write out formal guidelines for how to live life without appearing to be criminally insane, mentally deficient, or creepy. Mostly, I write them with hopes of influencing the world to abandon everything I consider offensive to my senses. A second motivator is that my friends and I get huge laughs out of coming up with some of this ridiculous stuff.
Men’s jewelry is a hot topic right now. I’ve seen a handful of guys around the office with some ridiculous gold chains and bracelets. Here’s the law on men’s jewelry, according to ClothMoth (that’s me).
Man jewelry
Note: Players, Ballers, Gigolos, and R&B Stars are granted lifetime immunity from all man jewelry laws herein, assuming they meet the following conditions:
1.) Own one or more Bentley’s, Rolls Royce’s, or combinations of both.
2.) Must refer to diamonds as ice, no exceptions.
3.) Must never attempt to shed the man jewelry. Once immunity is granted, man-jewelers are in it for life
Here’s a simple litmus test for men’s earrings. This MUST be judged by an objective third party; no man is authorized to be the officiator of his own man jewelry purchases.
Shake your gently head from side to side, as if saying “no”.
If the objective third party tracks any movement of your earrings (jiggling, swinging, rocking, etc.) they are inappropriate and must be discarded or melted into scrap immediately. Visible motion of man jewelry is punishable by complete and total shunning until violating articles are destroyed.
Man-rings
So many rules, so little time.
List of banned materials and styles:
Gold described as “nugget” is strictly forbidden.
Rings designed to fit over multiple fingers are reserved for street fighting, and must be removed immediately upon conclusion of hand to hand combat in an urban setting.
Regarding precious or semi precious stones:
Only one man-ring per person may be decorated with stones of any type, real or synthetic. Total stone weight for the entire piece of jewelry may not exceed 1 carat, which may be subdivided into no more than 3 stones. Please be respectful of the glare cast by your jewelry; no more than one type of stone per ring.
Quotas must be adhered to, no exceptions:
One man-ring per hand, two per person maximum. This is a generous, over-indulgent quota and may not be relaxed.
If a genetic mutation has given you additional appendages or phalanges, these bonus parts must remain unadorned.
Owning a variety of man-rings
It is not uncommon for women to own chests full of jewelry, which they rotate out to coincide with the outfit of the day. This is often referred to as accessorizing. Men who elect to exercise their man-ring rights should under no circumstance rotate out jewelry with any discernable frequency.
Acceptable fingers
While wearing a man-ring on the index or middle fingers is unusual and eccentric, it is not unquestionable. Both the thumb and pinky are off-limits for adorning jewelry of any type.
